von Hottie: The Oracle

I need bubbly for a wedding!

2010-06-01T11:59:00.004-05:00

Dear von Oracle,

So I know that you have had much experience in the ways of weddings and I was wondering if you had any good suggestions of good and reasonably priced prossecos and or champagnes. Ideally they would be in the $8-$12 range.

Let me know!!!

:) B
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Dear B,

One of von Hottie's favorite bubblys is Scu Dò's Prosecco Brut, which usually retails for about $9 at Astor Wines.

Cheers!
von Hottie

von Hottie sneaks her way into Soap Opera Weekly!

2010-02-12T02:08:00.002-05:00

Read all about it here.

von Hottie is the Featured Body (fitness blogger) on Social Workout.com!

2010-02-12T02:07:00.001-05:00

You can follow von Hottie on her unconventional journey through conventional fitness here.

Save the Date for von Hottie's Valentine Party!

2010-01-27T16:37:00.002-05:00

von Hottie's Celebration of Love Ball!
Fall in love with yourself … all over again

No pressure, just love, candy, and cocktails.
Friday February 12, 2010
10pm- 3am
Mary O’s
32 Avenue A btw 2nd & 3rd St.

Festive Attire
$5 von Hottie Valentine Cocktails all night!

Because there are no strangers, only lovers you haven’t met yet: von Hottie will award a special prize to the guest who brings the most friends to the party!

Facebook Event

Puh puh puh pokerface

2010-01-27T16:05:00.001-05:00

Dear von Hottie -

I have a lot of trouble with my boss. He's really socially awkward, obsessed with being right, and frequently seems to have issues with women. At his worst he comes off as hostile, bossy, and ungenerous. I have pretty much figured out how to deal with him professionally (just suck it up and deal, and be grateful when it isn't that bad), but my coworkers and I like to play cards to relax after work, and cards brings out the absolute worst in him. He's crabby, gets annoyed when other people aren't paying attention, tells people what to do (and is frequently wrong), and is a VERY sore loser. Of course we have to put up with it because he's the boss. And truthfully we are all friends, this just brings out the things in him that make everyone crazy. I personally am losing tolerance for it and am wondering if the best thing to do would be to just stop playing, even though i have a lot of fun when he's not there. My other coworkers tell me i just need to ignore it, which I guess is how they deal with it, but for some reason I'm having a hard time with that.

- Bad Poker Face
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Dear Bad Poker Face,

It's so unfortunate that harmless activities like card or board games so often bring out the worst in people. I'm sorry your boss is raining on your party parade. If you're not having fun, I don't think you should play. but I don't want you to miss out on all the fun just because your boss is a crankypants. So, when you do play with him, here is what you should do:

1) Ignore his bad behavior. Just pretend like he isn't there. If he says something, you didn't hear it. Don't take him seriously, because he's not behaving like a grownup.
2) Everytime you want to punch your boss in the face, sing to yourself Lady's Gaga's"Puh-puh-puh-puh pokerface." Do whatever it takes to make you laugh so that you can find humor in the situation.
3) Tease him lightly about his behavior. Teasing is my favorite form of socially acceptable behavior modification. Don't make a big deal out of his behavior, but find a way to lightly rib him for his antics. Hopefully he'll get the message that he needs to chill out.
4) Make a rule that the loser has to wear underwear on his/her head. When he loses, your boss will hate it but it will make you laugh.

Wishing you a full house,
von Hottie

formspring.me

2010-01-06T16:23:00.001-05:00

Dear von HottieIs there a good way to tell someone during sexytime to move it a little to the right or just a little to the left without sounding like a bossy control freak?love,no-my-right-not-your-right!

I take this question very seriously. Sexytime is no time to mess around! Sexytime is also a good time to practice asserting yourself so you can get the things you want out of life. You're not doing it for charity (hopefully), you're doing it to feel good! Also, your partner *wants* you to feel good, so help them out! Just ask for what you want! Say "A little to the right, a little to the left, etc." If you want to get fancy you can say it all breathy so it comes across as a desire rather than a command. If the verbal approach is still too embarrassing for you, take charge of the situation and move your hips or switch positions until they're hitting the right spot. Once you've got them where you want them, do not underestimate the power of positive reinforcement. Show your appreciation vocally, physically, with diamonds, however. You can also reinforce good sexytime behavior by complimenting your partner right after sexytime has been completed on which move exactly did it for you.

Bottom line: Do not be shy about asking for the things you want in life, especially the things that are designed to give you pleasure. Trust me, it's more polite to clue your partner in than to let them labor cluelessly. They will not think you are a "bossy control freak." An orgasm is the best compliment a lover can give, and they will likely thank you for helping them give you one.

What advice do you need?

formspring.me

2010-01-04T14:54:00.001-05:00

How does von hotttie cure a hangover?

What von Hottie recommends: 1) Drink water before bed. 2) When you wake up, drink more water. 2) Drink coconut water or a big Odwalla juice. 3) If you think you can get up, eat a bacon & egg sandwich. 4) If you can't get up, stay in bed, drinking water or juice. 5) After your sandwich, take Advil 5) Drink coffee 6) Keep drinking a lot of fluids throughout the day.

What von Hottie does: 1) Forget to drink water before bed. 2) Wake up after sleeping only 3 hours and remember about the water. 3) Try to fall back asleep. 4) Wake up, text message apologies to everyone about the text messages sent the night before. 5) Call a friend and read aloud the text messages sent the night before. 6) Drink coconut water. 7) At 2pm, get out of bed and find greasy food and coffee. 8) 4pm. Get back in bed. 9)7pm, put party dress back on. Try again.

What advice do you need?

3 easy ways to get advice from von Hottie!

2010-01-04T01:58:00.002-05:00

Now you can get advice from von Hottie in 3 easy ways!

1) Email your burning hot question to vonhottie@vonhottie.com & she''ll post her reply here!

2) Ask von Hottie on Twitter! Just DM or @askvonhottie for all the help you can get in 140 characters!

3) von Hottie is now on Formspring! Ask your question here or the box on the right sidebar of this page!

Don't forget to buy the 2010 von Hottie pinup calendar for valuable tips each and every month!

2009-04-28T15:05:00.002-05:00

dear miss good advice giver,

please show me a little love. i have some problems...
that is i think i have two of them but maybe they,
along with various others, are just symptoms of one
i-just-don't-feel-so-great-

about-myself esteem issue.

a boy and i fell in "like" after a year of
acquaintance and a week of lovey-doviness. he lives in
another country but is likely moving here this year.
on the chance that he does, we embarked on a
complicated but trusty long-distance dating thing
(skype, phone, text, email... all that stuff to stay
in touch) last month, when he was visitting new york.
things long-distance style have been lovely till
suddenly he was unavailable to talk 2 weeks ago.
working working working, he said, though i find it
hard to believe that one doesn't have time enough in a
day to send a text or a short email... fishy as it
sounds, really, i have a feeling it really just comes
down to a bad flakiness problem, which has
consequently kept little earthquakes happening in my
chest... the self-respecting thing to do is say my
piece (which I have) and... move on?(which I have
not). he appologizes--i can tell he is sorry and is
still very interested in me (as i in him)--but still i
hear nothing from him. i want a relationship where i
am not always the one who leans in for the kiss, you
know? what should i do?

my other prob is about the job. i am a fast bartender
and great with people but have been verbally abused by
bosses, harassed, underpaid/overworked, fired so the
boss could hire a friend, and worked for countless
jobs unpaid who never called me back... all this so i
can have something to eat between classes. i am one
of those A+ kind of students and will one day teach
classes at a community college near YOU! i want school
almost more than sex--okay sometimes i really want
school more. but when i'm scraping by for rent money,
eating only rice, beans, and peanut butter if i score
a few bucks, and spend more time working for people i
can't stand--and in a job that i, in truth, often take
a moral issue with--my life seems impossible. i'd
love to quit these jobs all together and teach music
to some kids for $10/hour, but then i'd have to throw
even more of my study-time away for work-time just so
i can make rent. it seems like tending bar is the best
economical choice--how do i get my heart to be cool
with that? how do i toughen up? and how do i keep my
own cool when i know that at any moment my roof my get
blown away?

thank you very much for reading this.

sincerely,
your heart-sick school-work-boy juggling, tight-rope
walking, warmth-seeking admirer

****************************************
Dear Heartsick,

Regarding situation #1, you need to be kind to yourself. Long distance is tricky, especially when it's present at the beginning of a relationship. I would put your best good faith efforts into keeping up the communication, but remember that everything might not be perfect when he moves, so don't pile on heaps of expectations and fantasies for his arrival. It's better to take things as they come with the faith that they will work out, but the knowledge that if they don't, you will be OK. Furthermore, if he was flaky and it hurt your feelings, you need to tell him how it made you feel and what you need from him. You're right that a text is not a huge time commitment. It takes two to Skype, mister, so log on or free up the wi-fi for the rest of us!

Regarding your employment, everyone has issues with their place of employ, but no one should be outright miserable. You need to finish school AND you need to eat, so stick with bartending because it will allow you to accomplish both. But if they're treating you badly, find another bar. It's New York! There are two on every block! Also, where are you working that's making you morally queasy?!! That's unnecessary. Stop. Start bartending with caterers if the bars themselves are too sketchy. Life will give you what you demand of it, so start speaking up, sister!

P.s. If you'd really rather teach music, be a private tutor & you can charge way more than $10/hour. Just saying.

Love, von Hottie

Go Green For Prom!

2009-04-23T02:26:00.002-05:00

Green Prom

Click the link above to read von Hottie's article on going green for prom!

Posted using ShareThis

von Hottie on The Happy Hour Show - March 17 2-6pm

2009-03-17T14:39:00.002-05:00

Listen to von Hottie join Leslie & Tori on The Happy Hour Show. To listen, go to wtnrradio.com on March 17, anytime between 2-6pm world time.

If you miss it today, you can download it from iTunes by going here.

Warning: This is not safe for work. Adult content.

Love, von Hottie

Inauguration Celebration?

2009-01-19T16:04:00.003-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

No stranger to throwing a banging party at the drop of a hat, I find myself stumped when it comes to Inauguration day. What is appropriate to do? Stay at home with my loving fiancé, fun-loving roommate and kitties? Go to a bar party? Invite friends over? Invite myself to a friend’s place who I know has food? What to do? It’s a school night so I can’t go WILD but I simply cannot let this historic event go by sober.

Help von Hottie! HELP!

-Johnny Hollywood

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Dear Johnny Hollywood,

I'm of the mind that you should go to a bar party. When there's a momentous occasion for the people, it's always best to celebrate with the people. Judging by how riotously happy New Yorkers were on Election Night, I'm hoping that they will be just as happy, and just as much fun on Inauguration Night. So go out! Be with the people! It's not everyday that the candidate you voted for becomes President!

Love,

von Hottie

p.s. von Hottie herself has the flu, so she has no definitive plans for Inauguration Night, but she's hoping she makes a full recovery in time to party with the people.

Coming soon!

2009-01-12T16:35:00.002-05:00

Hey von Hottlettes!

von Hottie has some fun new things in store for you. Keep your eyes peeled shortly for a brand new blog, more von Hottie pictures, plus a year of von Holidays! All will be revealed soon.

Love, von Hottie.

p.s. Did you all suddenly become well-adjusted? Don't you need advice? Send your questions to vonhottie@vonhottie.com.

Join von Hottie for a virtual Dance Party

2009-01-05T15:21:00.005-05:00

In honor of the new year, please join von Hottie for a virtual dance party.

DIRECTIONS:

1) Click here.
2) Stand up (or not).
3) Hit play.
4) Dance like no one's watching.
5) Buy the 2009 von Hottie calendar to celebrate all year long!
Click here to buy.

von Hottie on Zoomdoggle!

2008-10-14T18:01:00.001-05:00

Hey von Hottlettes!

I'm very excited to be the first female contributor to Zoomdoggle.com, a great new website devoted entirely to fun. Each week, my friends over at Zoomdoggle.com are going to feature a (never-before published) von Hottie picture of the week! I love Zoomdoggle - it's fun and smart, just like von Hottie!

You can view the first three pictures here!

Check Zoomdoggle every week (usually Thursdays) for the next von Hottie picture of the week. Be sure to leave a comment - I love to hear what my fans think.

Love and kisses,
von Hottie,

thinking outside the bridal box

2008-10-14T17:53:00.002-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

Help I’m getting married! Fortunately, my husband-to-be is not the problem. The problem is the dress. I am not your typical self-obsessed bride who has been dreaming about a certain dress her whole life. We want a theatrical and very non-traditional wedding. So the last thing I want is some cupcake-like lacy, bedazzled frock. I have an appointment to look at dresses and a small entourage of women has volunteered to come with me. They have been sending me pictures of dresses they think are me. von Hottie – these are plain Jane dresses and a little too crunchy. Think white, flowy and in a field of wheat. True, I’m not always comfortable in the spotlight. I’m a director not an actress. But at the same time I direct Ionsesco, not the Glass Menagerie! I can’t find much I like to counter their boring dresses. Help me find a dress that is really me!

- Naked and thrust into the spotlight

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Dear Naked Ionesco Bride,

If there's anything I understand, it's a woman in need of some theatricality in her life.

First, we need to stop thinking “wedding” and start thinking “event.” Pretend you’re not walking down an aisle, you’re walking down the red carpet. This will exponentially expand your options (and you’ll still be able to wear white!).

For inspiration, check out red carpet or runway pictures of fashion & gowns at Style.com. To start shopping, you can hop over Shopstyle.com, which pulls a large selection of designs from all over the internet. Another good place to check is Bluefly.com, which often has plenty of fancy gowns.

Also, there are some innovative designers who think outside of the bridal box. My favorites are Morgane Le Fay (feathers! Intricate fabric designs!) and Alice Temperley (Beads! Sequins!). And, if all else fails, Mary Adams will custom design a wedding dress for you, and it will definitely be theatrical.

Happy shopping!

Love,
von Hottie

von Hottie is on Current TV!

2008-09-17T14:09:00.002-05:00

While shooting the 2009 calendar at Coney Island, von Hottie was trailed by a producer from Current TV! The footage will air later in the fall, but you can see it now on Current TV's website. Or just watch below:

Introducing the von Hottie cocktail

2008-08-11T23:17:00.002-05:00

Introducing an exclusive treat for von Hottie fans and those in the know:
the von Hottie cocktail

Now served at:
The Dove Parlour
228 Thompson Street
(between West 3rd and Bleecker Streets)
New York, NY

Deep in Greenwich Village, late at night, you can often find a certain blonde bombshell perched at the bar of one of the best cocktail lounges in Manhattan. She doesn't drink just any old cocktail, oh, no, she drinks one that is sweet and bubbly with a kick, just like herself. It's a heady mix of champagne and St. Germain (an elderfower liqueur), topped with a lemon twist.

Some fancy-pants may ask you why you would put a lemon in a glass of champagne, as that will make it go flat? von Hottie's answer is: "That's why you have to drink it fast!" Because a von Hottie cocktail is just like von Hottness - it's best experienced from the inside out.

So, my dear von Hottlettes, rush on down to The Dove before they run out. This is an insider-only cocktail, meaning its not on the menu, so you'll have to ask for it. And if you see this drink at another establishment, set them straight and let them know what it's really called!

von Hottie in Times Square!

2008-07-23T11:40:00.001-05:00

von Hottie is shooting today in Times Square at 2:30 pm for her 2009 calendar and a documentary by kArt across America! If you're in the neighborhood, come and watch, but pretend like you just stumbled upon us. Blending in is part of the fun!

von Hottie 08!

2008-06-16T13:31:00.001-05:00

don't hate, activate!

2008-05-06T19:49:00.003-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

One of my closest friends is in a musical production right now at the local community theatre. For several months, I've heard her tell me horror story after horror story about how poorly the director has been treating both her and her cast mates. Months ago I told her that she shouldn't tolerate being abused this way, and that she should leave the production. But she decided to stick it out. Last night, the director apparently singled her out in front of the cast, cursed at her, and told her that she could potentially ruin the entire show. I am livid---after holding my tongue the past few months, I finally had it. I called the director and, as he did not pick up, left a voicemail expressing my utter disgust at his treatment of both her and the rest of the cast. He responded with his own voicemail, stating simply "It is none of your business. This is how I work." I recognize that if she's choosing to tolerate the abuse, there's really nothing more I can do. But I don't want to go to the show, as I feel it is showing support for a production run by insults and berating. I wish the cast, who've all suffered under him, would stage a walkout. I don't want to not support my friends, but I don't want to support him. What should I do?

-West Side Gory
**************************************************

Dear West Side Gory,

Tyranny is *so* unnecessary. And for that matter, so is martyrdom. You should see your friend's show - she needs your support now more than ever. Then you should write a very impassioned and detailed letter to the theater and the show's producers, citing specific instances of the director's abuse and your interactions with him. You should also send a copy of that letter to the SSDC, the union for stage directors and choreographers, of which the director is most likely a member, with an attached note saying that you would like to submit it as a formal complaint. If you can find out which agent represents that director, you should send the agent a copy too. Complaining to the people who are directly responsible for hiring the director will be much more effective to your cause in the long run.

Love,

von Hottie

a moment in oops

2008-02-13T04:00:00.004-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

For the past three or four months I have had a crush on an older man who in the past has been something of an authority figure in my life. After some flirting, and some drinking I admitted that crush and he admitted his and well... we had what I will refer to as "A moment in time" and now we're not really talking. Above all, this is a friendship that I treasured and now I'm not so sure we even have that. I feel so confused as to what the next step should be.

Help me von Hottie!

Love,
Lovelorn in the Plains

**************************************************

Dear Lovelorn,

When von Hottie was shooting her calendar on the Brooklyn Bridge, she thought it would be so pretty if she draped herself all over the dividing traffic line. Unfortunately, the oncoming traffic did not agree and became rather upset with her, especially the joggers and the giant unicyclists. So von Hottie said, "Oops!," laughed it off and moved on.

And that's exactly what you should do. Contact your friend, laugh about your "moment in time," chat about what's new in your life, and move on down the road with your friendship. If he doesn't follow your lead, leave him by the side of the road. A friend without a sense of humor is no friend at all.

Love,

von Hottie

Ross was on a break, Rachel wasn't. The End.

2008-02-13T01:54:00.004-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

About a year ago, I went out with this girl - let's call her "Jane" - a few times. We hit it off incredibly well, better than I have with anyone else. Unfortunately, at the time, a misunderstanding led to us never really developing any kind of physical or romantic relationship, and there was a little bitterness on both sides from the whole thing (I'll spare you the details).

Anyway, after several months of not finding anyone even approaching the same galaxy of awesome as "Jane", we reconnected. About an hour after seeing her for the first time in a year, we were in bed. Up all night talking, not talking, generally being disgustingly cute and sappy.... instant relationship, just add water. It's been about a month now, and things are going fantastic.

The only thing that bugs me, though, is that the couple of times our previous time spent together comes up, she blames me for the entire deal. She doesn't do it in a mean way, and she doesn't hold a grudge; to her it's just something that happened that also happened to be my fault exclusively. That, suffice it to say, is not how I see it. And it's clearly not a big deal, because everything's going so well now. So, should I just get the hell over it and enjoy what I've got going? It's a small thing, but it gnaws at me just enough to be annoying. Please advise.

-A Minor Annoyance

***********************************
Dear Minor Annoyance,

Did you ever watch Friends? Well, you may recall one pivotal episode where Ross and Rachel had a fight. Rachel said, "Maybe we should take a break." Ross walked out the door, into a bar and right into the bed of hot Xerox girl. The next day he and Rachel made up, but they broke up again when she found out about Xerox girl. Ross spent the rest of the series (another,oh, SIX YEARS) defending himself with, "We were ON A BREAK!" Rachel never bought it. No one ever won that argument because it doesn't matter whether or not Ross and Rachel were ever on a break, the point is that Ross was on a break and Rachel wasn't.

Don't be Ross. Why ruin what seems to be a wonderful time by worrying over an argument that can never be resolved? Take your lovely lady into your life, your bed and your heart. Agree to disagree. Take the energy you would have spent arguing, and spend it on each other.

Love,

von Hottie

the only games you should play involve a board, not your heart

2008-02-11T22:47:00.001-05:00

Dear von Oracle,
i totally wore your underwear last night and it paid off big ;-) thanks.

my x boyfriend is a complete ass, i totally made a silly high school comment on his facebook and he got pissy and unfacebooked me. which was more then fine... but not even a week later he then asked me if he could come to my party... of course i said yes... but he didn't come (cough cough) he got sick (probably from his icky boyfriend in california) but my question is... VON ORACLE WHY WON'T HE STOP!?!? I've been unfacedbooked, unfriendstered, refriendsterd, denied on myspace... but he still comes back like a boomerang. what's his deal?

Sincerely Dizzy in Down Under-wear

************************************************

Dear Dizzy,

I'm so excited to hear that von Hottise Tottsie is working out so well for you!

Regarding your ex: yuck! This boy sounds so middle school!

People like this just love to get under your skin, and it drives them crazy if they think you are not constantly thinking about them. You're right, just like a boomerang he's always going to run away and then come back into your life - only to slap you in the face!

The only thing you can do is cut him out of your life, cut off all communication (unFriendster HIM, unFacebook HIM, etc.), and ignore all attempts at communication. Take control of the situation by rising above his craziness and refusing to engage in silly games that only drain your energy, suck your soul and waste your time. You've got bigger and better things going on, son, so keep your eye on the prize.

Just a warning: your ex will probably run around in circles just to attract your attention, but you must stay strong. Eventually he'll tire out like the immature adolescent he is and give up. Good riddance and good luck.

Love,

von Hottie

a lover is just a friend in your bed

2008-02-11T21:50:00.002-05:00

Dear von Hottie,
I have a friend whom I've recently developed feelings for. We've known each other for about a year, but have only hung out in group situations. I feel like we have great chemistry between us, even though we're from different backgrounds and have different interests. The thing is, I feel like she's dropping hints that she's interested in me, but I keep doubting myself because she acts so cool around me. We're both a bit shy...I can't just assume she reads 'Von Hottie: the Oracle' on the regular and will get the hint to make the first move...what can I do? What are some buying signals I can look for?
Best, M.

**********************************************
Dear M.,

A good lover is someone who can also be a good friend. You could bide your time and just sit around being confused by ambivalent indicators of interest (e.g. does she initiate physical contact, express interest in one-on-one activities, etc.?), but I think we have enough uncertainty in this world.

My advice: Take the plunge. Man up. Pay attention to things she's interested in and plan a date accordingly. IMPORTANT: It must be something she is interested in and preferably something she's mentioned in passing - knowing that you listen to her will have much more value than if you show off by planning something overblown and impersonal.

Then, get her alone and say, "I really like our friendship. I think you are {insert her best qualities - be specific and honest - what do you love about her?}. I think you deserve to be with someone who will treat you well and who appreciates your {insert best qualities}. I would like a chance to be that person. I'd like to take you to {insert thoughtful and fun activity for just the two of you} and see how it goes."

Assure her that if it doesn't work out, your friendship will still be intact. After all, it's just an experiment to see if you click on that level - no pressure. If the date doesn't go well, you can always say, "Remember that hilarious time we tried to date each other?!"

Go get her!

Love,

von Hottie

tongue-struck and star-tied

2008-02-07T18:38:00.000-05:00

dear von hottie,

help! I'm in retarded love with famous people. Mostly I see myself as a witty and intelligent young woman who can hold her own in a conversation or at a party. So why do I go stupid when I see a famous person? I stare rudely, giggle too much, and can't think of a single interesting thing to say to them that doesn't involve "OMG YOU'RE FAMOUS!" I live in New York and have the opportunity to see oodles of amous people, and I don't want to keep sticking my foot in it. HELP!

starstruck

********************************************************************

Dear Starstruck,

Famous people are still people, and while in most cases their job is what makes them famous, this doesn't mean they want to be famous all the time. If you see a famous person out in public , remember that they probably consider themselves to be off the clock, and you should respect that. However, everyone loves a compliment, so if you do have the opportunity to approach them, keep it simple and short. Say something along the lines of "Hi, my name is Starstruck. I just wanted to say that I loved you [or loved your work] in ____________. I thought it was ______ and _________. Enjoy your [meal, drink, shopping trip, day, etc.]." If they are a famous for Reality TV or something that's not directly related to a talent or skill, just substitute "I loved your work" for "I was rooting for you/I'm glad you won." If you must ask for an autograph, blame it on your grandmother and try to provide at least a legit piece of paper and not a gum wrapper or crumpled receipt (Would you want to write on trash?).

Then leave them alone and try not to stare. DO NOT approach them if they are with their families and children as that is a real violation of privacy - not for the celebrity, for the family. I know we live in a celebrity-crazy culture, but that doesn't mean we have to add to the insanity.

Best of luck, and keep your eyes peeled!

Love,

von Hottie

Run for the hills! It's bridezilla!

2008-02-07T17:56:00.000-05:00

dear von hottie,

First of all, you're pretty.

But enough about you. My girlfriend and I got engaged on new years eve. It was super romantic and she is the best. The thing is that I'm a little worried about her turning into a bridezilla. I never would have thought that she had it in her, but ever since I put that ring on her finger she's had a funny glint in her eye that twinkles when she looks at "Martha Stewart Weddings". von Hottie, how does one stave off a bridezilla?

signed,
engaged and worried

***************************************

Dear Engaged,

Congratulations!

Many couples find it very easy to get carried away during the wedding planning process. The important thing is to keep it all in perspective.

You should sit down with your bride-to-be and make a list of the top five things that are important to you both about your wedding. Most likely those things will run along the lines of friends, family, laughter, good food and an infinite supply of champagne (oh wait, that's my wedding!). As you plan your special day, if something doesn't directly enhance your experience of the top five things you want at your wedding, cut it. After all, the only people who will notice whether or not you have custom monogrammed chair covers are you and your bride. Your guests just want to be comfortable and spend time celebrating with you.

That said, if there is some detail that doesn't matter to you, but your bride really wants it and it's within your budget, let her have it. It will make her happy. Things like napkin colors and invitation fonts really aren't worth fighting over anyway.

May you and your bride find all the happiness you deserve.

Love,

von Hottie.

wooly bully

2008-01-18T20:53:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,
Sometimes my friend says things that almost hurt my feelings. Nothing big or overt, just small negative comments, so I would feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion by saying anything to him about it. I would rather spend time with my friends who say nice things to me, but I can't just quit the friendship because he's my cousin, too. What should I do? Love, Mildly annoyed

*****************************

Dear Mildly annoyed,

Your cousin is being a big bully. The only way to stop a bully in their big stinky tracks is to stand up to them by standing up for yourself. You are a lovely person and he has no right to be mean or condescending.

The good thing about cousins is that they are alot like siblings, which means when they bother you, you can give them hell. The next time he makes a nasty comment, start teasing him (i.e. "Why, jealous?"). If he can't take it, he shouldn't dish it out. If it continues, confront him. Just say:

"Listen up, cousin. It pisses me off when you make negative and belittling comments. If you've got a problem with me, spit out out. Otherwise, knock it off or I'll fart in your face."

Then change the subject. From then on, just drop the subject and continue on as if everything has been resolved.

If your cousin still doesn't let it go after this, remind him that he's pissing you off and take a break from hanging out with him. Or, if you want to be really immature, every time he makes a nasty comment, cut him off by putting a hand in his face and saying,"Shh. Shhh. Shhh." That should train him.

The important thing is to stand up to your cousin now, before you spend the rest of your life, and every family gathering, putting up with his snarkiness.

Love,
von Hottie

love dot com

2008-01-18T20:01:00.000-05:00

Dear von Oracle,

My dating life is kinda lame but that's normal I guess given that this has gotta be the worst dating city in the world! Should I try these online services or am I only asking for trouble if I start putting myself out there like that. Help me von Oracle, you're my only hope...

Anonymous Dude

**************************************

Dear Anonymous Dude,

Most people who try online dating services experience mixes results. I say, you get what you give! If you want to resurrect the Titanic (a.k.a. your dating life), you're going to need a big (Inter)net!

Why not set a specific time period, and give it a whirl. Put your all into it. If at the end of your online dating experiment, you're not satisfied with the results, then try something else. At the very least, you will meet new people and hone your dating skills. You might even make some new friends, and those friends could introduce you to their friends, and before you know it, there really will be plenty of fish in the sea.

Good luck!

Love,
von Hottie

p.s. Just remember, if you're taking a dip in strange new waters, it's best to suit up! Use a condom!

von angst

2008-01-18T19:39:00.000-05:00

Usually, von Oracle answers questions about the simple things in life, but sometimes, one of von Hottie's fans likes to challenge her! Read below as von Hottie goes deep, very deep. (Questions in italics, von Hottie's answers in red.)

Dear von Hottie,

Where to begin:

1. how does one battle against what is inherent, i.e. the belief/thought that we are going to become our parents or some version of them... Can we avoid this, and if so how?

You can't be your parents, because you are who you are and they are who they are. Certain things about you will be shaped by who they are and your experiences with them, but not everything. Merely being conscious of their flaws already puts you far ahead of the game. If you're worried about being like them, you're already not like them. Do you think they are worried about being themselves? No.

2. if you identify as "queer" yet people of the same sex who identify as "straight" continue to make out with you and sleep with you (of their own volition), is there any point in questioning their sexual orientation? Is it worth taking them seriously or connecting on an emotional level? Or is it better to turn off your heart?

You know how the Rubix cube is a big jumble of rainbow blocks, and only once in a while does it all match up? People are the same way. Go ahead and make out with them just for fun if you want to (and if they want to!), but it's not your job to sort out their mess, and you shouldn't invest more in them than I invest in the Rubix cube (about a minute of effort and maybe an ounce of pain).

3. any advice for staying in the moment instead of worrying about the past and the future?

Breathe. One breath followed by another. Plenty of times I have thought back to something and thought, "Man, that time was so good. I wish I had just lingered in it instead of jumping into the next thing." So now if I feel good, or even if I feel bad in an interesting way, I try to just pause for a second, to just be in it, and forget about my to-do list, or my not-to-do list, or what I did the night before, or what I'm doing tonight – just sit back and take in what is happening around you.

Try eating a Tootsie Roll pop - those take a lot of concentration. If you really work at getting to the center, it's easy to tune everything else out.

4. what do you do when you feel a deep connection with someone who has yet to acknowledge it/feel the same way? not necessarily something romantic, but the undeniable feeling that you are meant to be closer to someone who keeps a distance?

They will come around. Let them know you want to hang out, be attentive and open and it will happen. Unless they are a big mess, and then it's not your job to fix them, and you shouldn't feel bad if they brush you off – they've got a lot going on and you should give them the space to do it.

5. how do you dumb yourself down? if your mind is always going, always analyzing and pondering and worrying and thinking, what are some good way to chill the fuck out? we're talkin quick fixes, not drugs/alcohol/exercise/watching tv or things you might be unable to do in the moment...

Again, breathe. Is there a fire? No. Then there's no emergency. And if that doesn't work, do a jig. Your mind can't freak out if your body is busy getting jiggy. Or wear a party hat. That helps too.

Love, von Hottie

there's a reason trash should stay on the curb

2007-12-07T23:33:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

I'm having a dilemma! I've been seeing my ex-boyfriend on occasion (we live in different cities). The problem is, the more I see him, the more I realize I love him. And now that we spend time together without commitment, I think he likes our relationship better. To make matters worse, he was recently an hour away from me and didn't ask me to meet him or much less call me!

I tried to talk about my feelings with him and he told me that if I thought I was wasting my time, I should tell him. And when I said that was a terrible thing to say, he backtracked and said his response was based on something I said previously.

I really love him and I need to find a way to make it clear what I want from this relationship. My beautiful and extremely talented cousin said I should consult you.

So....Help me von Hottie!

Love,

Forlorn in Philadelphia

***************************

Dear Forlorn,

Sit down, girl, and grab your blankie and a bottle of wine. Actually, forget the blankie and add an extra bottle of wine. You are not going to like what I am about to say.

Here's what it sounds like is the situation: You are in love with your ex-boyfriend. He likes your relationship better because it now involves no commitment. You would like a commitment from him, but you are also not a priority to him, or he would have made the effort to see you when he was within any sort of proximity to you.

I think that your ex is right. You are wasting your time. Any man who does not make you a priority is a waste of time. Boyfriends are supposed to think that you are the best thing since champagne got bubbles, and they should treat you as such. Otherwise, what's the point? You don't need more friends, and it's not like hanging out with him will prevent you from getting cancer or give you superpowers. If he doesn't worship you, why bother?

Cut him off. You can't just stop loving someone but you can stop seeing them, and soon you will find other people to love, people who will appreciate your time and your commitment. Take your bottle(s) of wine and toast to yourself, to your new life filled with people who will be worth your while.

Love,
von Hottie

p.s. Cutting him off will drive him crazy. He may start pursuing you like mad just out of frustration. Don't encourage it, but just let him do it. He'll get over it. And if he doesn't pursue you like mad, you will see exactly what you meant to him, and it will be just one more reason to kick him to the curb.

von Party Dress?

2007-11-28T14:21:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

I'm coming to your party! But I have no idea what to wear! Help, von Hottie, help me!

Sincerely,

Stressed & Undressed

***************************************

Dear Stressed & Undressed,

As I always say: a smile fits every occasion! I will be glamming it up, von Hottie cocktail-style, and I would be thrilled if you appeared as my soulmate in glam! Consider dressing up for my party as an homage to your own von Hottness. Or, you could show everyone up by changing midway through the party from your first outfit into something from von Hottie's brand new apparel line, von Hottsie Tottsie - which will go onsale for the first time ever at the party! Regardless of what you decide, just remember that von Hottie thinks you are beautiful no matter what you wear.

Love,
von Hottie

a little concealer goes a long way

2007-11-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

I have a date with a really cute guy tonight, and I've been looking forward to it all week.
This morning, I woke up with a giant pimple on the center of my forehead.
I should cancel, right?

Love,
Blemished and Banished in Brooklyn

*******************************************************

Dear B & B in Brooklyn,

While I'm not sure if the rules are different in the world of same-sex dating, I personally have never been a fan of letting a little blemish hold you back in life. Put some cream on it (I hear toothpaste works wonders in a pinch), add little concealer, and you're good to go. It's really all about attitude. That said, if you think you'll spend the whole night just thinking about the blemish, which will prevent you from really getting to know and enjoy your date, then sure, cancel. But honestly, I think you should go ahead with the date. If this man can't love you, blemishes and all, then you have no business dating him in the first place.

Love,
von Hottie

p.s. A very handsome, very wise person told me once that when in trouble, just apply more lipgloss. It draws attention to the more important things in life.

von famous

2007-11-07T01:05:00.001-05:00

This is von Hottie and her wonderful photographer, Luke. Today, we were shooting on the Staten Island Ferry. After posing for pictures with fans, a young girl asked von Hottie:

"Are you famous?"

"Yes," von Hottie replied. "Marginally famous. Marginally."

von hottie does what she does the way she does it

2007-10-30T18:32:00.000-05:00

von hottie
don't you ever get scared, doing what you do in public??
i mean, are you not at all shy??
besos, jimmy

**************
Dear Jimmy,

The first time I shot as von Hottie I had 3 mimosas beforehand. After that it was easy as pie! Most of the time people passing by are so supportive - every time I shoot someone walks by and yells something like "you go girl" or "hello gorgeous." Most of the time I shoot downtown and frankly, I'm the least crazy thing happening downtown. Also, once people notice my photographer, they respect my space. The only time I've ever been creeped out was in Times Square - it's so Disney that I thought they might arrest me for being non-family-friendly. But I had more clothes on than the Naked Cowboy so I figured I was OK. While in Times Square, this kind of creepy guy followed us around as we shot, so I just moved into the middle of the street for a picture and he left. Other than that, it's usually pretty fun and people tell me I'm pretty. The best fans are women in their 40s & 50s - they really get von Hottie and they've got enough ex-hippie in them that they like a little public indecency.

The only people who don't like von Hottie are people who don't like themselves. But that's not my problem.

Love, von Hottie

von Hottie narrowly escapes arrest!

2007-10-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, von Hottie fans! von Hottie escaped unscathed.

While pausing outside of a Manhattan subway station (which just happened to exit through an office building) to slip street clothes over her swimsuit, von Hottie was accosted by a female security guard who insisted that von Hottie was "stripping in public." von Hottie tried to explain that she was trying to put her clothes back ON, but the security guard continued to threaten von Hottie with arrest for indecent exposure*. von Hottie tried to explain that she was trying to leave the subway station and was not here to cause any trouble, but the security guard continued to detain her with lectures about "stripping in public" and the dubious morality of von Hottie and her swimsuit.The security guard then escorted von Hottie out of the subway station while she contined to yell on and on about "stripping in public." Ironically, once she was on the street, von Hottie was able to slip her street clothes over her head in peace, "indecently exposing" herself to 50 times more people than had been in the subway station.

Look's like someone's security desk is about to receive a complimentary 2007 calendar. After all, von Hottie is a New York landmark too.

*von Hottie was not indecently exposed. As women in New York are allowed to go topless in public, von Hottie would actually have to be fully naked to commit indecent exposure.

Where's von Hottie?

2007-10-08T15:24:00.000-05:00

von Hottie began production last week. von Hottie loves New Yorkers! Here are the best bystander quotes so far:

Shooting on the Brooklyn Bridge:

Man in suit & tie: "Mmm, mmmm, mmmm - that looks like the cover of Vogue right there!"

Shooting at P.S. 122:

von Hottie, after posing on a woman who was on all fours: "Who did I just sit on?"

Karl: "Oh, just one of our board members."

Want to help von Hottie during a shoot? Just email vonhottie@vonhottie.com

von Thinker #3

2007-10-04T01:40:00.000-05:00

If you spread enough rumors about yourself, they will eventually come true.

von Hottie 2008!

2007-10-04T00:03:00.000-05:00

The von Hottie 2008 calendar is now in production! We'll be shooting all over New York, just like the Sex & the City movie! Here's our schedule so far:

Thursday, October 5:

The Brooklyn Bridge & Lower Manhattan

If you have any suggestions as to where von Hottie should shoot next, email vonhottie at vonhottie.com.

Wheee!
Love,
von Hottie

Hey soldier!

2007-06-07T15:49:00.000-05:00

von Hottie has received her first fan mail from a real active duty soldier, via MySpace! You have no idea how much this tickles her black-lycra spandex blend. von Hottie would like to send big kisses to our men and women serving overseas.

von Thinker #2

2007-02-08T17:09:00.000-05:00

I hear people say a lot that people are stupid.

I'm not stupid but I am a person. Which means maybe I am stupid without knowing about it. Which means that it is just as possible that I am somehow an oblivious fascist. Because if I can be unaware of my own stupidity, I might be simultaneously unaware of my own prejudices. Be careful what you say about people, because it might be true about you too.

von Thinker

2007-01-08T16:58:00.000-05:00

When people say they are an intuitive thinker, isn't that an oxymoron? If you're going off intuition, then you're not really thinking. You're just going with the flow.

Love,
von Hottie

attack of the momzilla

2006-12-15T16:25:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

You've heard of bridezillas, you've heard of runaway brides, but have
you ever encountered a bride that wanted to run far and fast from her
momzilla? My mom says she likes my fiance but has been fighting my
wedding every step of the way since engagement. She sarcastically
expresses doubt about every decision my fiance and I manage to make,
and at T minus 5.5 months we don't have time to spare. She has managed
to suck the joy from almost every moment to the point that I no longer
want to tell her about any of it. The worst part is this is so not how
I want it to go down. I would love to have her involved in every last
detail but not if she's going to drive me to elope! Whatever am I to
do?! HELP, von Hottie, HELP!

Love,

Damsel-in-distress

********
Dear Damsel,

One of the first rules of war is to know your enemy. Let's assess from your momzilla's point of view.

1) It sounds like this is your mother's first wedding, am I right? In that case, while you may be embarking on a joyous, sunshine-filled new life with your amazingly hot and wonderful fiance, your mother may feel like she is losing her baby girl. Her nitpicking could be the symptoms of an overwhelming anxiety - where will she fit into in your new life? How will your relationship change? What kind of influence will she have in your life now?

2) What's going on in her life? With you married, who does she have as a support system? A husband, a boyfriend, neither? She may be feeling very lonely. In most cases, negativity is rarely about you, and all about them.

Now that we've got some perspective on the momzilla, let's see how we can manage her:

1) You must stand up to her. Tell her that her negativity is overbearing and overwhelming. Tell her this is not how you would like to share with her the experience of your wedding. Remind her that this is your wedding. Talk to her about her feelings. Reassure her that she will still be in your life during and after the wedding.

That said, you can't stop someone's behavior without giving them an alternate behavior, so:

1) Pick something about the wedding you absolutely don't care about and that she would enjoy. If you showed up to your wedding and the reception area were decorated with clown balloons and that wouldn't phase you, put her in charge of decor. Your mother is feeling a loss of control, so give her a sense of ownership. Also, this will distract her and leave you free to do whatever you like with the rest of the joyous occasion.

2) Teach her a few key phrases with which she is required to respond to your wedding decisions or she will be excluded from the conversation. For example:

You: "Mom, we picked the invitations. They're blue!"
Momzilla: "What a wonderful choice, daughter! You have excellent taste!"

or

You: "Mom, we're going to serve chocolate truffles during the cocktail hour!"
Momzilla: "How delicious. I'm sure I will be too swept up in the joy of the day to even notice what I'm eating!"

I know it sounds silly, but if the two of you can laugh about your differences, then half the battle is already won.

4) Ask her for her opinion or advice before you make a decision. It doesn't matter what you pick, or if you take her advice, but ask for it. It will make her feel special and included, and will proactively preempt a negative reaction to a decision you've already made.

5) Remember, she can't take anything that you don't give. If she starts to nag, tune her out. Pet your pretty invitations, ruffle the hair of your adorable husband-to-be, gaze at the dazzling addition to your left hand. Do whatever centers you and calms you down so you can react to the situation with a clear head and kind heart.

6) Seek out other brides for help. I have a feeling you are not the first bride to have an overbearing momzilla. Also, theknot.com has some advice on dealing with difficult mothers - check out this article and this article for more advice on dealing with mothers. I actually think my advice is better and more specific. But they're the professionals so it can't hurt to check them out.

Best of luck and congratulations!

Love,

von Hottie

love amongst the lockers or what's my combination for love

2006-12-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

I am still in love with my high school sweetheart, whose heart I broke about 5 years ago. We're friends now, and he's still as wonderful as ever. I'm just not sure if we're right for each other. How will I know? What should I do?

- No Longer a Teenager, Still in Love

****************

Dear Teenager,

Ah, first love. It's a bitch.

First, where is your sweetheart in his life now? Does he have a serious girlfriend? How good of friends are you? How often do you see each other?

As for knowing if you're right for each other, no one can tell you that but yourself. What you should ask yourself is why you think you and he are not right for each other? What are you looking for in a partner, what do qualities do you need in a partner for a healthy and vibrant relationship? Answer these questions for yourself and then you can ask if he is right for you. Next, how are the two of you together? Do you bring out the best qualities in each other, do you work together well, do you make each other a better person? Or do you want to just hold hands and sit by your locker like in the good old days, before life was complicated and people became complex?

I would suggest remaining friends with this boy. Be an open, honest, and true friend. See where it leads. If it's going well, eventually you may want to tell him how you feel. Most importantly though, don't let the hazy wonderfulness of the past cloud you from seeing what is good and wonderful now. This may be the boy for you, but you should let a few others have a chance too. Sometimes love is like comparison shopping - how can you tell if he is the one if you haven't checked out some other options?

Love,

von Hottie

just say no

2006-12-15T15:22:00.000-05:00

Dear von Oracle,

I have a serious problem. I have an ex boyfriend who I can't seem to stay away from. It's like he's crack and I'm addicted! To make it worse lately we've been conversing via telephone a lot and I think I want to get back together with him or at least make him a friend with benefits.

What should I do? Do I need rehab? Help me von Hottie!!!!

--Addicted to crack

*******
Dear Addicted,

Your references to crack make me think that perhaps this was not the healthiest relationship you could have. How long has it been since you and he were together? Perhaps you need to examine the reasons why you feel so compelled to "jump off the wagon," as it were. Is it loneliness, the comfort of and security of sticking with what you know? Are there certain times in your life (i.e. during stress or uncertainty) when you feel more compelled to be with this person? Is the high your get from this relationship really love or is it familiarity, security, and comfort? Or are you just hard up?

One of the hardest things to do is to leave behind someone you love. But sometimes we need to leave certain people behind in order to achieve the healthiest, most prolific and fulfilled lives for ourselves. My dear Addicted, you are a beautiful, wonderful, radiant being. You deserve only the best in life. The path you walk now may be a lonely one, but there are friends to help you on your way. Keep your chin up, your eye on the horizon, your heart pure, and many blessings will come to you.

Love,

von Hottie

p.s. I often find that an organic, vegetarian meal before blogging helps to bring out the Buddha within.

living la vida loca

2006-11-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

My younger sister lives in a big city. She is CRAZY. To which sanitarium should I send her?

- Big Brother

************

Dear Big Brother,

Maybe your little sister is just living it up amongst the bright lights. You should love her and be glad that someone else is living all the colors of the world for you.

P.S. I don't think they have sanitariums anymore. Perhaps you should buy her a weekend at Canyon Ranch instead.

Love,
von Hottie

shopping around

2006-11-29T22:23:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

Everyone says that the grocery store is a great way to meet guys, and after my most recent trip their I realized that it is a cornucopia of attractive and what appear to be single men. How does one approach someone in the grocery store and start shopping for two??? Do I approach them in the produce section? Bond over Keebler Elves cookies???? Reach for the same six pack of coca-a-cola???? Help Von Hottie!

-The Lost Shopper

***********************************

Dear Shopper,

The first step is always the hardest. You just need to approach these attractive men. It doesn't matter which aisle, or what you say. Just start making conversation. It might be easier for you if you stick to a section you feel most comfortable with, i.e. cheese. You can always start off a conversation by remarking "Oh, that one is so good" or "I tried that at a cocktail party last week. I wouldn't go for that." It doesn't matter. Just say something to get a conversation started. If they're not responding after one or two remarks, move onto the next aisle. I'd stay away from places like the cookie aisle, as those tend to be places riddled by guilt and no one wants to be caught picking out their extra triple fudge and cream delights, unless you are magically able to build a rapport with the object of your affection around your common pudge. The produce aisle might be a good place to start. You can ask something like "Is this Kale or Collard Greens?" Pretend you're trying some delicious new recipe. Unless you don't actually cook. Then play the damsel in distress card who needs a handsome vegetable connoisseur to rescue him from culinary disaster. Truly, it doesn't matter, just try something.

It will be hard the first few times, and 90% of the time, you'll strike out, but at least you'll get your confidence up and maybe learn a few things about leafy greens and root vegetables. If you get nervous, just remember that you have all five feet, two inches of von Hottie cheering you on. I already have a crush on you, and they will too.

Love,

von Hottie

Pour some $ugar on me

2006-11-29T21:59:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie:

I'm torn. I'm close to finally wrapping up grad school and with it, enormous debt. I have a potential source of funding that could ease my financial situation - namely, a sugar daddy candidate. Sugar daddy is about 18 years my senior, not terribly unattractive, and very interested in a relationship with me. Though I know entering a relationship purely for financial freedom is wrong, I can't shake the idea out of my head! What should I do?

Sincerely,

$weet Tooth

******************************

Dear $weet Tooth,

First of all, congratulations on nearly completing your higher education!

I'm a little confused on the details of your situation. Has Sugar Daddy explicitly offered you money in exchange for a physical relationship? Or are you the irrestistible studmuffin acquaintance of an affluent older man whom you know would "take care of you" financially should you engage in a relationship with him?

In the best case scenario, post-graduate school, you can use your advanced degree to acquire employment which would support the debt you acquired in order to acheive such gainful employment. However, sometimes a Hottie's gotta do what a Hottie's gotta do, especially in today's economic climate and job market.

It's not wrong to engage in a relationship with an affluent partner, but it is wrong to misrepresent yourself, your body, your emotions and your intentions to said affluent partner for material gain. Also, money often represents power in a relationship. I wouldn't want you to get in over your head, or become overly dependent on this alternate income stream. Just because someone gives you money does not mean they own you. After all, you'll most likely leave the town in which you attend school and would have to leave your Sugar Daddy lifestyle behind in order to utilize your degree.

If however, both parties understand the arrangement and are respectful of each other's hearts and minds, go ahead and indulge your sweet tooth. To stay on the safe side of the law (male prostitution is illegal unless you move to Nevada to join Heidi Fleiss's Stud Farm), I would encourage accepting material goods over currency. You can always sell your expensive junk on eBay to obtain the cold cash you need.

Happy job hunting!

Love,

von Hottie

von Hottie Launch Party!

2006-11-28T13:26:00.000-05:00

The von Hottie 2007 pin up calendar is coming!

Join von Hottie for cocktails, calendars, and the launch of the biggest emerging media conglomerate ever!Be among the first to own a limited edition von Hottie 2007 Pin Up Calendar, personally autographed by von Hottie herself!

It's everything you ever wanted, but never knew existed, and everything you need to finish your holiday shopping!

Happy Hour until 8pm! More fun and surprises to come!
If you can't make it, see von Hottie later in the evening at BUA on 8th Street & Ave. A. If you live in New York, but can't make it to the party, but want to purchase a calendar, email vonHottie@gmail.com and we'll work it out.

von Hottie Launch Party
December 7th, 6:30 pm
The Dove
228 Thompson Street between Bleecker & West 3rd Streets

p.s. von Hottie's hard drive failed, which means no website updates until next week, when she reconstructs her entire life. So for now, all von Hottie's got is this blog!

von Math: 1+1=3

2006-11-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

My fiance is begging me to have a 3-way. Should I do it?

****

Boy, if I had a dime for everytime someone asked me this question. No, really, I'd be rolling in it.

But back to business, it worries me that you ask if you "should" do something. When it comes to your body and your sex life, there are no "shoulds" except that you must be kind to your own physical and emotional well-being.

Threesomes are tricky - it's one thing when it happens one crazy night in college fueled by an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo, and an entirely different thing when you introduce a third party into a committed, monogamous relationship. You should never jeapordize your own physical and emotional safety simply for an orgasm, or act under pressure to please someone else. That said, many couples find threesomes to be a delightful, fulfilling and liberating experience. The key is clear and honest communication between all parties involved. I found this article and this article on the web, which might help you as you contemplate making a fantasy a reality, and all the practicalities involved in actually orchestrating a threesome.

As an alternative, or perhaps a baby step, might I suggest a little bit of creative roleplay to "test" out a threesome with just you and your fiance? You can pretend to be someone you both have a crush on (dress up for extra fun), and seduce your fiance, or vice versa. How to start? Just begin the conversation, "Honey, if you walked into the bedroom and found [insert fantasy lover], what would you do?" Have your fiance act out the fantasy as he describes it to you.
It will be just like having sex with a third person, but there will be only two of you in the room.

Have fun!

Love,
von Hottie

I'll sign for that package

2006-11-20T18:19:00.000-05:00

I can’t seem to stop fantasizing about my Fed-Ex Man. His package is just smack in my face everyday but I can’t seem to muster up any words to say to him.

Desperately seeking a Delivery

*****

Dear Desperately,

Oh, wow. Have I been there. There's just something about a man in uniform who brings you presents (a.k.a. important overnighted documents).

Just for you, dear Desperately, I did some serious investigative reporting for this one. I waited by the first FedEx truck I saw in SoHo. I spoke with a very cute FedEx employee. Like any good deliveryman, he definitely had something just for you.

von Hottie: Excuse me, have you ever made a love connection while delivering a package?

FedEx: No, I haven't been that lucky.

vH: I have a reader who has a crush on her FedEx delivery man. Do you have any advice for her?

FedEx: She should talk to him. Tell him how she feels.

vH: Anything else?

FedEx: Nah. Just do it.

There you have it. From the source.

I'd also suggest striking up a casual conversation with your FedEx man. "How's your day going? What are you doing for the holiday, etc." Bringing up the holidays is a convenient way to engage him in a conversation while also learning valuable personal information, like where he lives, where his family lives, who he's spending the holiday with (friends, family, girlfriend, fiancee, etc.). All of this is fodder for conversation the next time you see him. Eventually, when he's delivering a package, you'll Priority Overnight an invitation for drinks or dinner.

Good luck!

Love,
von Hottie

p.s. Don't say anything along the lines of "Nice package,etc." I tried it. It doesn't work. Stick to the basics.

Morning, lover

2006-11-20T17:58:00.000-05:00

Without fail I see the same lovely lady on my way to work from the subway every morning! She always passes by and I can't seem to get up the courage to say anything to her. How do I approach her casually without being that creepy character we all dread?

Please help!

Love,

stalker-i-don't-wanna-be

*******
Dear Stalker-I-Don’t-Wanna-Be,

This is a tricky one. The goal is to be able to somehow put yourself in a casual social situation where you can strike up a casual conversation. The first thing to do is to start smiling at her every time you see here – not in a creepy way but in a “My what a nice morning, hello there nice person” way. Where is this lady going? If you can manage it subtly, you can pretend to be running an errand on your way to work and see where she goes. Window shop, pick up a newspaper, anything that looks like part of your normal routine. Ideally, your ladylove is going to the same place every morning, just like you. Maybe she’s getting a cup of coffee? You can begin to frequent the same coffee shop in the mornings. Smile politely the first few times, and eventually you’ll be able to drop a few words while you’re both waiting in line, which hopefully will lead to a conversation about mutual interests and eventually a date! Be careful not to come on too strong though, especially before she gets to know you. It’s hard to be hit on before your first cup of coffee. Best to start off gently and friendly. You won’t be a stalker because she won’t be able to help but like the nice person she sees every day in the coffee shop.

Good luck!

Love,

von Hottie

I love you

2006-11-20T17:57:00.001-05:00

Dear von Hottie,

I love you. Is that ok?

-K

Dear K,

Of course that’s ok! It’s nice to love people. I love you too.

Love,

von Hottie

Too red or not too red?

2006-11-20T17:43:00.000-05:00

Dear von Hottie,I'm a girl who has been blessed with big lips (the ones on my face, duh! Don't be dirty!). Although I have always felt rather proud and smug as I pass by the lip-plumping action lipsticks at Duane Reade, I get a bit lost when I try to comprehend all of the options for a full lip figured girl such as myself. Gloss? Shimmer? Can a lady with big lips wear red? Pink? Should I stick to a dab of Vaseline and call it a day? Help me von hottie!

Signed,

Trying to Avoid the "Clown Look"

Brooklyn, NY

********

Dear Trying in Brooklyn,

I have two words for you: Angelina Jolie. She’s famous for having a multi-cultural family, an action-packed film career, a drop-dead gorgeous baby daddy, and big full RED lips. You should not be afraid to wear gloss, shimmer, pink or red. The key is to balance the rest of your makeup so you look like a luscious lady and not a lady of the night. For your first foray into the decadent world of red, I recommend Angel Red by Clinique. It’s a modest, muted red for people who do not wear red. If I ever feel that my lips are too red, I layer a thin coat of gloss or chapstick over my red lipstick and smash my lips together, which makes me feel as if I’ve diluted what might have been an overpowering amount of red.

Most importantly though, remember that it’s not what you put on your lips, but what you say with them that counts.

Love,

von Hottie

I'm here

2006-11-20T02:04:00.000-05:00

Hello, world!